Pickup Artists got nothing on me!

The past month I've been on a much needed break from law school. When I wasn't rewatching episodes of entourage and questioning my career choice, I spent a decent amount of time at my favorite watering holes. I'm not an alcoholic (i think), I just enjoy being in circumstances where I can laugh at people and subsequently feel better about myself. But sometimes, the tables are turned and I'm the one who is in fact worthy of being laughed at, typically for putting myself in an easily avoidable awkward situation.

One of my favorite such situations is when I employ my go-to pickup technique on unsuspecting drunk hags. It's called "what movie star do you look like." I've come to learn that most girls, especially the ones that frequent college bars, love being told they look like movie stars. Sounds simple, but their smiles don't lie. The best part is that almost always someone will have some semblance to a star and therefore I don't have to lie to them...at least not right off the bat. Couple that with my innate ability of determining what celebrity someone most resembles (remember that website where you could upload a picture of yourself and it'd spit back what celebrity you look like? Yea, that's basically how my brain works) and you have a deadly combo. Here's how a few of my recent "pickup" attempts turned out.


Celebrity Look Alike: Meg Ryan, Jennifer Connolly
Location: Lucky Strike
Guilty Parties: Myself, Random Girl 1, Random Girl 2, Homeless man playing stairway to heaven on the violin.

Sometimes my superhuman powers of picking out someone's inner celebrity draws blanks. This happened one night at Lucky Strike while I was playing the game with two of my fellow law student's friends. I could not, for the life of me, figure out what celebrity this girl looked like. Usually when this happens I just blurt out a random name and go with it. But in this situation, the only name that came to mind was Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks?!?! What am I suppose to do with that?! I started to panic...sweat built up on my forehead...my back started to itch (does that happen to anyone else? No? Ok then). Luckily my mind made a logical shift to You've Got Mail and I blurted out Meg Ryan. Success.

The next girl I had a much easier time with. She had obviously never heard of eyebrow maintenance. I blurted out Jennifer Connolly within seconds. Her friend wholeheartedly agreed. Oh yea almost forget...there was also a homeless guy playing stairway to heaven on a violin a few feet away. It really added some suspense. Figured he deserved a shout out.

Celebrity Look Alike: Scarlet Johanssen
Location: Fox and Hound
Guilty Parties: Myself, Cute Waitress, 4-5 vodka clubs

A few months ago I had the delightful opportunity to attend my five year high school reunion at the prestigious fox and hound country club. One waitress, whose name I obviously can't remember, really caught my attention. She had a very unique look to her and she kept serving me some of the strongest drinks I've had in awhile. What a winning combination - looks and a heavy hand. So, I decided it was time to play celebrity look alike. I had two actresses in mind: Katherine Heigl and Scarlet Johanssen. I felt that Scarlet was the more attractive of the two but I quickly asked my friends opinion and he agreed. Always better to overshoot than undershoot. Could not have worked out worse. I'm not sure if this girl was just stupid or really really offended. But she did not like my game and vehemently disagreed with me. Maybe she once had a bad experience with Scarlet. Like she caught her boyfriend looking at naughty pictures of her online. Who knows. But she was not happy. My next drink was tasted like water...with a splash of disdain.


Celebrity Look Alike: Sarah Jessica Parker
Location: Brownies, random night in November which Breezy probably doesn't remember.
Guilty Parties: Myself, Random Girl


While at my favorite Lancaster Avenue bar, I struck up a conversation with some girl and our conversation made its way to the movie star game. I told her she looked like Sarah Jessica Parker. She was NOT happy. I tried to explain to her that she only had Parker's attractive qualities. But this girl was quick to correct me that SJP doesn't have any attractive qualities. I decided it wasn't worth lying and agreed with her. Needless to say, there was no sex in the city that night.