1. Guys can give good haircuts after all. An earlier post displayed my hatred for getting my hair cut by a dude. I know it may seem strange. 30 years ago it was weird for women to cut mens hair. But back then they had barber shops. Put me in a barber shop and I will gladly let a man cut my hair. Put me in a salon and it better a sassy 38 yr old bombshell. I had gotten haircuts by guys twice before and both times left lasting emotional scars. So when I walked in to Top Cut Hair Salon a few weeks ago and heard the receptionist yell Frank when I gave her my name, I almost ran out the door straight into West Chester Pike. How could I have forgotten to give my standard gender preference disclaimer while booking the appointment. In most instances Frank would have been a deal breaker. But I had a gift certificate and Frank sounded like a fairly straight name. I decided to go through with it. Turns out it was possibly the best haircut of my life...definitely of my twenties. I'm sorry for doubting you Frank...you make the hair cutting industry a better place.
2. Do not attempt to catch peas in your mouth. I've had a long run of success catching various food items in my mouth. Popcorn...M&Ms...Grapes...you name it. But the peas...damn, the peas. I knew it would happen one day...a vengeful food would come around and pay me back for all those times I played with its predecessors before unmercifully tearing them to pieces in a similar fashion to the t-rex in Jurassic Park who ate the guy on the toilet. I just never thought it would be a veggie...let alone a pea. Do not be fooled by their small stature and whimsical shade of green. Those slippery bastards won't even give you a chance to chew before they slide down your esophagus and get lodged in a lung. It's all fun and games until the pea fights back and you find yourself panicking for breath. Apparently my family thought the fun and games continued throughout the coughing and gasping fit. At least that's what it seemed from their choir of laughter. No longer am I uncertain about the difference between laughing-with laughter and laughing-at laughter.
3. Snowboarding in real life is NOT the same as Cool Boarders 2 for Playstation.
Why don't they tell you how much it hurts? These "Cool" Boarders are taking spills that would dismantle even the likes of Adrian Peterson. But they just get right back up and pop a 1060 double grab back flip from 100 ft up. Me? I fell going straight at maybe 10 miles an hour and it almost ended my day. Screw you cool boarders 2. You lie. You made me believe I could when I couldn't. Why didn't the game developers have a pain threshold meter? That would have made sense. I mean this isn't Marvel Snowboarding. People don't heal themselves. Why weren't there any knees getting blown out? Or ribs getting crushed? Or spleens bursting? Horrible right? But that's not the worst part. When you ran into another cool boarder, neither of you fell! How is that possible?! Do they have bricks in their boots? If that happened in real life, here's the best case scenario: your shin is probably split open by the edge of your buddy's board but you can't tell if it is because you're clinging to the edge of the mountain screaming for your someone to help. Worst case scenario: you die and get run over by a snowmobile. These sorts of things did not happen in Cool Boarders 2. If Cool Boarders 2 was a book, you'd be able to find it in the fiction section of Barnes & Noble. It would probably be right in between "How to Effectively Tell the Truth to Women" and "Tiger Woods: I Swear it was Only Ten".
4. Speaking of telling the truth, do not ever EVER tell a girl that you forgot her name. Especially after she remembered yours. And especially after the two of you had been talking for an hour plus...15 minutes of which were about each others names. It's one of the typical no win situations that guys so often find themselves in. Admit your forgetfulness and you'rean asshole. Give an educated guess and you're a jerk. What ever happened to E for Effort.
5. If you do forget a girls name (it's inevitable), do not tell her it's because it was too strange. This was my first lesson of the new year...and it came about 45 mins into 2010. I've since realized "unique" is a good substitute for strange. There's also the time honored tradition of turning the tables and pretending to get offended that they'd even think you were capable of forgetting their name.
6. Extra-terrestrials have sex just like humans. I always figured aliens existed. I mean with how big the universe is and with how many solar systems there are it's a statistical probability that some planet in galaxy far far away can sustain life just as our Earth does. Obviously, this led me to the question of how aliens have sex. Do they have penises? Do they vaginas? Do they have Jamie Lee Curtis'? Maybe they have sex like the sea anemone and pollute the air with reproductive particles. Maybe they have sex telepathically. Do they do it for fun? Maybe they're like insects and only do it when some chemical is released into their environment. Or, maybe they're like dolphins who are basically the ocean's version of David Duchovny.
Freakin' dolphin sluts. Who could possibly have the answers to these questions of galactic importance? I'll tell you who - his name is James Cameron. In his true story inspired film Avatar, Jim captures two aliens having intercourse. And guess what? They're doing it just like humans. Some doubters might say "hey,are you sure?...i mean maybe you didn't get a good look...maybe you were mistaken." My answer to them is simple: it was in 3D. I probably learned some other lessons over the past few months, but I felt like these were the most important ones. Hopefully law school will stop chipping away at my soul and I'll be able to get back to posting on a more regular basis.
No comments:
Post a Comment