Pickup Artists got nothing on me!

The past month I've been on a much needed break from law school. When I wasn't rewatching episodes of entourage and questioning my career choice, I spent a decent amount of time at my favorite watering holes. I'm not an alcoholic (i think), I just enjoy being in circumstances where I can laugh at people and subsequently feel better about myself. But sometimes, the tables are turned and I'm the one who is in fact worthy of being laughed at, typically for putting myself in an easily avoidable awkward situation.

One of my favorite such situations is when I employ my go-to pickup technique on unsuspecting drunk hags. It's called "what movie star do you look like." I've come to learn that most girls, especially the ones that frequent college bars, love being told they look like movie stars. Sounds simple, but their smiles don't lie. The best part is that almost always someone will have some semblance to a star and therefore I don't have to lie to them...at least not right off the bat. Couple that with my innate ability of determining what celebrity someone most resembles (remember that website where you could upload a picture of yourself and it'd spit back what celebrity you look like? Yea, that's basically how my brain works) and you have a deadly combo. Here's how a few of my recent "pickup" attempts turned out.


Celebrity Look Alike: Meg Ryan, Jennifer Connolly
Location: Lucky Strike
Guilty Parties: Myself, Random Girl 1, Random Girl 2, Homeless man playing stairway to heaven on the violin.

Sometimes my superhuman powers of picking out someone's inner celebrity draws blanks. This happened one night at Lucky Strike while I was playing the game with two of my fellow law student's friends. I could not, for the life of me, figure out what celebrity this girl looked like. Usually when this happens I just blurt out a random name and go with it. But in this situation, the only name that came to mind was Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks?!?! What am I suppose to do with that?! I started to panic...sweat built up on my forehead...my back started to itch (does that happen to anyone else? No? Ok then). Luckily my mind made a logical shift to You've Got Mail and I blurted out Meg Ryan. Success.

The next girl I had a much easier time with. She had obviously never heard of eyebrow maintenance. I blurted out Jennifer Connolly within seconds. Her friend wholeheartedly agreed. Oh yea almost forget...there was also a homeless guy playing stairway to heaven on a violin a few feet away. It really added some suspense. Figured he deserved a shout out.

Celebrity Look Alike: Scarlet Johanssen
Location: Fox and Hound
Guilty Parties: Myself, Cute Waitress, 4-5 vodka clubs

A few months ago I had the delightful opportunity to attend my five year high school reunion at the prestigious fox and hound country club. One waitress, whose name I obviously can't remember, really caught my attention. She had a very unique look to her and she kept serving me some of the strongest drinks I've had in awhile. What a winning combination - looks and a heavy hand. So, I decided it was time to play celebrity look alike. I had two actresses in mind: Katherine Heigl and Scarlet Johanssen. I felt that Scarlet was the more attractive of the two but I quickly asked my friends opinion and he agreed. Always better to overshoot than undershoot. Could not have worked out worse. I'm not sure if this girl was just stupid or really really offended. But she did not like my game and vehemently disagreed with me. Maybe she once had a bad experience with Scarlet. Like she caught her boyfriend looking at naughty pictures of her online. Who knows. But she was not happy. My next drink was tasted like water...with a splash of disdain.


Celebrity Look Alike: Sarah Jessica Parker
Location: Brownies, random night in November which Breezy probably doesn't remember.
Guilty Parties: Myself, Random Girl


While at my favorite Lancaster Avenue bar, I struck up a conversation with some girl and our conversation made its way to the movie star game. I told her she looked like Sarah Jessica Parker. She was NOT happy. I tried to explain to her that she only had Parker's attractive qualities. But this girl was quick to correct me that SJP doesn't have any attractive qualities. I decided it wasn't worth lying and agreed with her. Needless to say, there was no sex in the city that night.

2009: Lessons Learned

It has sure been awhile since my last posting. But what better time to get back into it than a few days after new years (any wild guesses on what my new years resolution was). It's a bit strange seeing this screen again and watching the words appear as my brain tells my fingers what to type and as the keys tell the computer what letters to display. One can only assume that one day in the future a person's fingers and the computer's keys will no longer be needed in this flow of information. I feel as though I'm returning from a long voyage out at sea (read: law school ass pounding) and finally getting a chance to recollect my Odyssey-esque adventures. While I haven't run into any Poseidons or Calypsos during my absence from this internet Ithaca, I have learned a few valuable lessons and some interesting facts that I feel even Ulysses would be proud of.

1. Guys can give good haircuts after all. An earlier post displayed my hatred for getting my hair cut by a dude. I know it may seem strange. 30 years ago it was weird for women to cut mens hair. But back then they had barber shops. Put me in a barber shop and I will gladly let a man cut my hair. Put me in a salon and it better a sassy 38 yr old bombshell. I had gotten haircuts by guys twice before and both times left lasting emotional scars. So when I walked in to Top Cut Hair Salon a few weeks ago and heard the receptionist yell Frank when I gave her my name, I almost ran out the door straight into West Chester Pike. How could I have forgotten to give my standard gender preference disclaimer while booking the appointment. In most instances Frank would have been a deal breaker. But I had a gift certificate and Frank sounded like a fairly straight name. I decided to go through with it. Turns out it was possibly the best haircut of my life...definitely of my twenties. I'm sorry for doubting you Frank...you make the hair cutting industry a better place.

2. Do not attempt to catch peas in your mouth. I've had a long run of success catching various food items in my mouth. Popcorn...M&Ms...Grapes...you name it. But the peas...damn, the peas. I knew it would happen one day...a vengeful food would come around and pay me back for all those times I played with its predecessors before unmercifully tearing them to pieces in a similar fashion to the t-rex in Jurassic Park who ate the guy on the toilet. I just never thought it would be a veggie...let alone a pea. Do not be fooled by their small stature and whimsical shade of green. Those slippery bastards won't even give you a chance to chew before they slide down your esophagus and get lodged in a lung. It's all fun and games until the pea fights back and you find yourself panicking for breath. Apparently my family thought the fun and games continued throughout the coughing and gasping fit. At least that's what it seemed from their choir of laughter. No longer am I uncertain about the difference between laughing-with laughter and laughing-at laughter.

3. Snowboarding in real life is NOT the same as Cool Boarders 2 for Playstation.
Why don't they tell you how much it hurts? These "Cool" Boarders are taking spills that would dismantle even the likes of Adrian Peterson. But they just get right back up and pop a 1060 double grab back flip from 100 ft up. Me? I fell going straight at maybe 10 miles an hour and it almost ended my day. Screw you cool boarders 2. You lie. You made me believe I could when I couldn't. Why didn't the game developers have a pain threshold meter? That would have made sense. I mean this isn't Marvel Snowboarding. People don't heal themselves. Why weren't there any knees getting blown out? Or ribs getting crushed? Or spleens bursting? Horrible right? But that's not the worst part. When you ran into another cool boarder, neither of you fell! How is that possible?! Do they have bricks in their boots? If that happened in real life, here's the best case scenario: your shin is probably split open by the edge of your buddy's board but you can't tell if it is because you're clinging to the edge of the mountain screaming for your someone to help. Worst case scenario: you die and get run over by a snowmobile. These sorts of things did not happen in Cool Boarders 2. If Cool Boarders 2 was a book, you'd be able to find it in the fiction section of Barnes & Noble. It would probably be right in between "How to Effectively Tell the Truth to Women" and "Tiger Woods: I Swear it was Only Ten".

4. Speaking of telling the truth, do not ever EVER tell a girl that you forgot her name. Especially after she remembered yours. And especially after the two of you had been talking for an hour plus...15 minutes of which were about each others names. It's one of the typical no win situations that guys so often find themselves in. Admit your forgetfulness and you'rean asshole. Give an educated guess and you're a jerk. What ever happened to E for Effort.

5. If you do forget a girls name (it's inevitable), do not tell her it's because it was too strange. This was my first lesson of the new year...and it came about 45 mins into 2010. I've since realized "unique" is a good substitute for strange. There's also the time honored tradition of turning the tables and pretending to get offended that they'd even think you were capable of forgetting their name.


6. Extra-terrestrials have sex just like humans. I always figured aliens existed. I mean with how big the universe is and with how many solar systems there are it's a statistical probability that some planet in galaxy far far away can sustain life just as our Earth does. Obviously, this led me to the question of how aliens have sex. Do they have penises? Do they vaginas? Do they have Jamie Lee Curtis'? Maybe they have sex like the sea anemone and pollute the air with reproductive particles. Maybe they have sex telepathically. Do they do it for fun? Maybe they're like insects and only do it when some chemical is released into their environment. Or, maybe they're like dolphins who are basically the ocean's version of David Duchovny. Freakin' dolphin sluts. Who could possibly have the answers to these questions of galactic importance? I'll tell you who - his name is James Cameron. In his true story inspired film Avatar, Jim captures two aliens having intercourse. And guess what? They're doing it just like humans. Some doubters might say "hey,are you sure?...i mean maybe you didn't get a good look...maybe you were mistaken." My answer to them is simple: it was in 3D.

I probably learned some other lessons over the past few months, but I felt like these were the most important ones. Hopefully law school will stop chipping away at my soul and I'll be able to get back to posting on a more regular basis.

No Sex in the Study Room

Having intimate relations in the study room is an obvious breach of duty to those students who have "domiciled" themselves in the library. But to many, it's a strong desire passed down from the exhibitionist ways of our forefathers (James Madison wasn't called His Little Majesty just because of his height). Thankfully, some caring students took it upon themselves to post the following sign in all the library study rooms - reminding us not to give in to our deviant past.


Covered containers are totally not sexy.

Undergrads and the Continued Demoralization of the Law Library

If God ever decided to subject the Law Library to the 10 plagues he would probably replace swarms of locusts with undergrads. Yes, not too long I was an undergrad myself. But I like to think I was at least a somewhat respectful one. These undergrads have no tact and have progressively shown less and less concern for the studious aspirations of us law students. A few common personalities have made it especially hard to concentrate and are definitely worth noting.

The Muncher - Even though the "No Food or Drink" sign is posted right next to her, this seemingly privileged girl munches away on her barbecue flavored corn nuts. They are probably the loudest food ever created. Not too mention the most caloric. I can't help but hope she has a few cavities on the way.


The Headphone Kid - Did someone bring a boom box into the library? Oh wait, its just the kid sitting next to me listening to Akon on his headphones at max volume. If it's unpleasant for me, I can't even imagine how loud it must sound to him. This kid must really be trying to escape. But I mean, who could blame him with the Muncher sitting in plain view. Still, it's a common courtesy to make sure those around you can't hear whats coming out of your headphones. But whatever, listen to your loud "rap" music all you want. In 5 years it won't be headphones in your ears.

The Attractive Girl - Oh god you are beautiful. Your leggings and ugg combo is almost too much for me to handle. Please don't sit across from me, please. For the love of..ah no..don't...you did. Now I'm definitely not getting any work done. Thanks, and uh, don't mind the staring.

The Cell Phoner - Another blatant disregard for clearly visible signs. Is the 20 foot walk to the cell phone area that much of a hassle for you? It was bad enough that I had to endure your Kenny Chesney ringtone while you decided if you wanted to talk to whoever was calling you, but come on, your actually drowning out the Akon music next to me. And please, you're in America, speak in English.

Thong Girl - Everyone knows this girl's thong is not on display by accident. It rises about 5 inches above her sweatpants that read "pink" across the butt but do not have the color pink anywhere. Her shirt is conveniently sliding up her back, freeing her love handles to hang over her thong. Thankfully, they cover most of it up, doing the job her sweatpants should have been doing in the first place. This girl is truly a plastic surgeon's wet dream.

The Discman is Still Alive!!!

Today, as I struggled to make it to class with my book filled backpack that would have given even a marine a difficult time, I spotted a majestic glimpse into my past: a kid with a discman. My first thought was to run up to him and ask how many seconds his anti-skip was. But he seemed happy...content with his choices in life...enjoying the everyday simpleness of compact discs. I envied him. I knew he had a 60 cd holder case in his backpack, ready at any moment to switch from Nirvana to any one of his other early 90's rockers.

But this change had to be a wise one...a well thought out one. This discman fellow does not live in the age of switching from Jay-Z to Pearl Jam to Miley Cyrus with the press of a button. When he makes his music choice, he has to be committed for the next 40-60 minutes to one style...one band...one album. I kinda miss that.

A Series of Unfortunate Events.....In the Bathroom Part II

Ok - time to wrap this bathroom escapade up.

I need to decide what choice to make - do I do the poop walk over to the other stall or do I get on my elbows and do the military crawl to the other stall. First things first, I slide my backpack under barrier to the other stall, just to get the ball rolling. (I really need to find a substitute word for stall. I just used it like 10 times in two sentences)

After some internal debate I decide I've gotta do the military crawl. As I start making my way to the ground I notice a wall mounted dispenser full of those toilet seat covers. HALLELUJAH! I've never used those things before (I like the all natural feel) but right now these toilet condoms are a godsend. I take out three and stuff them in my boxers, pull up my pants, and scurry to the other stall. I make it in without anyone else coming in. MISSION: accomplished.

Well, so I thought. The whole situation gave me a "nervous stomach" and required me to get right back to business. Thankfully I have two full rolls of toilet paper this time. I'm thoroughly enjoying the security of this knowledge when someone else comes in. Please don't go in the stall next to me, my original hell on earth. Of course, the guy goes right in. What I am suppose to do? I'm obligated to tell him there's no toilet paper. It wouldn't be fair for me to let him suffer the same fate as I did.

I learn over and say "Hey man, I know this is kinda..." Mid sentence, because I had leaned forward, the toilet automatically flushes (I hate that! You will flush when I'm good and ready!!) Oh man, this just got awkward.

Guy: Uhh what? are you uhh talking to me?
Me: Yea sorry. I thought I should tell you there's no toilet paper in there. I just had a very unpleasant experience.
Guy: Uhh I'm just taking a piss man.
Me: Well, somebody is insecure

Ok...I didn't actually say that last line, but it definitely popped in my head.

A Series of Unfortunate Events.....In the Bathroom

Bathroom etiquette has always fascinated me to a disturbing extreme. Ever since I was a young lad I had dreams of pursuing a highly successful and accredited career in the psychology of the bathroom. Now that I'm in law school I'm not sure that dream will ever be fulfilled...unless of course Bathroom Law becomes an accepted area to practice.

One particular day, a few weeks back, I had quite a few bathroom etiquette issues within one 30 minute time period. To make matters worse...this was my first official "extended stay" at a law school restroom.

Ready...Set...Poop!

Its 9:45 am. I just took my last bite of my bagel and cream cheese and washed it down with the remains of my 32 ounce D&D coffee. This can only mean one thing: It's not going to be long before they both return the favor.

My stomach begins the oh so familiar rumblings of an ensuing battle and I know its time to make it to the bathroom. I'm excited though. This will be the first time i get to go #2 in a law school restroom. From what i hear, they're quite comfortable. I check out the 3rd floor bathroom first. Crap, someone is at the urinal...I don't know why but im filled with self consciousness and don't want them to see me go into the stall. Actually...maybe im more worried about what they're hear after I go in the stall. I make an executive decision and move up the 4th floor, the least occupied in the building.

The decision paid off. As I open the door the motion sensor lights go on. I'm alittle surprised not to hear some robot-esque voice greeting me and welcoming me to my kingdom. At this point my stomach isn't waiting much longer but i still have a decision to make: there are two stalls in the bathroom, one of which is a regular stall and the other is one of those supersized stalls but with a handicapped seat. I never understood why those seats are so far off the ground. I guess so handicaps don't have to pull themselves up so far when they're done their business. I just like them because i can dangle my feet and sing tinkle tinkle little star while I'm sitting on my throne.


Without much hesitation, I pick the bigger stall. Buckle off..zip...sit down...ssss..plop...plop...sss..plop...uh oh...BOOOOOM SHAKALAKA! Oh my, my stubborn stomach is way too spoiled with all that starbucks i've been putting into it. Must not have been happy with D&D. This toilet could probably sue me for intentional infliction of emotional distress after the abuse I just put it through.

At least it was a quick one. Maybe I'll even have time to get some more studying in before class. I reach to start the dreaded wiping process when I'm suddenly struck with an immense amount of fear and apprehension. I've just been thrown into everyone's worst nightmare...there is literally no toilet paper. NOTHING. WHAT DO I DOOO!

After a few minutes of strategizing, interspersed with intense pleading to god, I realize I have two options. One - I can walk out of my stall into stall next to me (on my left). But there's no way I can pull up my pants without solidifying my discomfort for the rest of the day. Two - I can do a military crawl to the other stall.

Uh oh..the time in my study room is up. I guess this blog will have to be a two-parter.