A Series of Unfortunate Events.....In the Bathroom

Bathroom etiquette has always fascinated me to a disturbing extreme. Ever since I was a young lad I had dreams of pursuing a highly successful and accredited career in the psychology of the bathroom. Now that I'm in law school I'm not sure that dream will ever be fulfilled...unless of course Bathroom Law becomes an accepted area to practice.

One particular day, a few weeks back, I had quite a few bathroom etiquette issues within one 30 minute time period. To make matters worse...this was my first official "extended stay" at a law school restroom.

Ready...Set...Poop!

Its 9:45 am. I just took my last bite of my bagel and cream cheese and washed it down with the remains of my 32 ounce D&D coffee. This can only mean one thing: It's not going to be long before they both return the favor.

My stomach begins the oh so familiar rumblings of an ensuing battle and I know its time to make it to the bathroom. I'm excited though. This will be the first time i get to go #2 in a law school restroom. From what i hear, they're quite comfortable. I check out the 3rd floor bathroom first. Crap, someone is at the urinal...I don't know why but im filled with self consciousness and don't want them to see me go into the stall. Actually...maybe im more worried about what they're hear after I go in the stall. I make an executive decision and move up the 4th floor, the least occupied in the building.

The decision paid off. As I open the door the motion sensor lights go on. I'm alittle surprised not to hear some robot-esque voice greeting me and welcoming me to my kingdom. At this point my stomach isn't waiting much longer but i still have a decision to make: there are two stalls in the bathroom, one of which is a regular stall and the other is one of those supersized stalls but with a handicapped seat. I never understood why those seats are so far off the ground. I guess so handicaps don't have to pull themselves up so far when they're done their business. I just like them because i can dangle my feet and sing tinkle tinkle little star while I'm sitting on my throne.


Without much hesitation, I pick the bigger stall. Buckle off..zip...sit down...ssss..plop...plop...sss..plop...uh oh...BOOOOOM SHAKALAKA! Oh my, my stubborn stomach is way too spoiled with all that starbucks i've been putting into it. Must not have been happy with D&D. This toilet could probably sue me for intentional infliction of emotional distress after the abuse I just put it through.

At least it was a quick one. Maybe I'll even have time to get some more studying in before class. I reach to start the dreaded wiping process when I'm suddenly struck with an immense amount of fear and apprehension. I've just been thrown into everyone's worst nightmare...there is literally no toilet paper. NOTHING. WHAT DO I DOOO!

After a few minutes of strategizing, interspersed with intense pleading to god, I realize I have two options. One - I can walk out of my stall into stall next to me (on my left). But there's no way I can pull up my pants without solidifying my discomfort for the rest of the day. Two - I can do a military crawl to the other stall.

Uh oh..the time in my study room is up. I guess this blog will have to be a two-parter.