Undergrads and the Continued Demoralization of the Law Library

If God ever decided to subject the Law Library to the 10 plagues he would probably replace swarms of locusts with undergrads. Yes, not too long I was an undergrad myself. But I like to think I was at least a somewhat respectful one. These undergrads have no tact and have progressively shown less and less concern for the studious aspirations of us law students. A few common personalities have made it especially hard to concentrate and are definitely worth noting.

The Muncher - Even though the "No Food or Drink" sign is posted right next to her, this seemingly privileged girl munches away on her barbecue flavored corn nuts. They are probably the loudest food ever created. Not too mention the most caloric. I can't help but hope she has a few cavities on the way.


The Headphone Kid - Did someone bring a boom box into the library? Oh wait, its just the kid sitting next to me listening to Akon on his headphones at max volume. If it's unpleasant for me, I can't even imagine how loud it must sound to him. This kid must really be trying to escape. But I mean, who could blame him with the Muncher sitting in plain view. Still, it's a common courtesy to make sure those around you can't hear whats coming out of your headphones. But whatever, listen to your loud "rap" music all you want. In 5 years it won't be headphones in your ears.

The Attractive Girl - Oh god you are beautiful. Your leggings and ugg combo is almost too much for me to handle. Please don't sit across from me, please. For the love of..ah no..don't...you did. Now I'm definitely not getting any work done. Thanks, and uh, don't mind the staring.

The Cell Phoner - Another blatant disregard for clearly visible signs. Is the 20 foot walk to the cell phone area that much of a hassle for you? It was bad enough that I had to endure your Kenny Chesney ringtone while you decided if you wanted to talk to whoever was calling you, but come on, your actually drowning out the Akon music next to me. And please, you're in America, speak in English.

Thong Girl - Everyone knows this girl's thong is not on display by accident. It rises about 5 inches above her sweatpants that read "pink" across the butt but do not have the color pink anywhere. Her shirt is conveniently sliding up her back, freeing her love handles to hang over her thong. Thankfully, they cover most of it up, doing the job her sweatpants should have been doing in the first place. This girl is truly a plastic surgeon's wet dream.

The Discman is Still Alive!!!

Today, as I struggled to make it to class with my book filled backpack that would have given even a marine a difficult time, I spotted a majestic glimpse into my past: a kid with a discman. My first thought was to run up to him and ask how many seconds his anti-skip was. But he seemed happy...content with his choices in life...enjoying the everyday simpleness of compact discs. I envied him. I knew he had a 60 cd holder case in his backpack, ready at any moment to switch from Nirvana to any one of his other early 90's rockers.

But this change had to be a wise one...a well thought out one. This discman fellow does not live in the age of switching from Jay-Z to Pearl Jam to Miley Cyrus with the press of a button. When he makes his music choice, he has to be committed for the next 40-60 minutes to one style...one band...one album. I kinda miss that.

A Series of Unfortunate Events.....In the Bathroom Part II

Ok - time to wrap this bathroom escapade up.

I need to decide what choice to make - do I do the poop walk over to the other stall or do I get on my elbows and do the military crawl to the other stall. First things first, I slide my backpack under barrier to the other stall, just to get the ball rolling. (I really need to find a substitute word for stall. I just used it like 10 times in two sentences)

After some internal debate I decide I've gotta do the military crawl. As I start making my way to the ground I notice a wall mounted dispenser full of those toilet seat covers. HALLELUJAH! I've never used those things before (I like the all natural feel) but right now these toilet condoms are a godsend. I take out three and stuff them in my boxers, pull up my pants, and scurry to the other stall. I make it in without anyone else coming in. MISSION: accomplished.

Well, so I thought. The whole situation gave me a "nervous stomach" and required me to get right back to business. Thankfully I have two full rolls of toilet paper this time. I'm thoroughly enjoying the security of this knowledge when someone else comes in. Please don't go in the stall next to me, my original hell on earth. Of course, the guy goes right in. What I am suppose to do? I'm obligated to tell him there's no toilet paper. It wouldn't be fair for me to let him suffer the same fate as I did.

I learn over and say "Hey man, I know this is kinda..." Mid sentence, because I had leaned forward, the toilet automatically flushes (I hate that! You will flush when I'm good and ready!!) Oh man, this just got awkward.

Guy: Uhh what? are you uhh talking to me?
Me: Yea sorry. I thought I should tell you there's no toilet paper in there. I just had a very unpleasant experience.
Guy: Uhh I'm just taking a piss man.
Me: Well, somebody is insecure

Ok...I didn't actually say that last line, but it definitely popped in my head.

A Series of Unfortunate Events.....In the Bathroom

Bathroom etiquette has always fascinated me to a disturbing extreme. Ever since I was a young lad I had dreams of pursuing a highly successful and accredited career in the psychology of the bathroom. Now that I'm in law school I'm not sure that dream will ever be fulfilled...unless of course Bathroom Law becomes an accepted area to practice.

One particular day, a few weeks back, I had quite a few bathroom etiquette issues within one 30 minute time period. To make matters worse...this was my first official "extended stay" at a law school restroom.

Ready...Set...Poop!

Its 9:45 am. I just took my last bite of my bagel and cream cheese and washed it down with the remains of my 32 ounce D&D coffee. This can only mean one thing: It's not going to be long before they both return the favor.

My stomach begins the oh so familiar rumblings of an ensuing battle and I know its time to make it to the bathroom. I'm excited though. This will be the first time i get to go #2 in a law school restroom. From what i hear, they're quite comfortable. I check out the 3rd floor bathroom first. Crap, someone is at the urinal...I don't know why but im filled with self consciousness and don't want them to see me go into the stall. Actually...maybe im more worried about what they're hear after I go in the stall. I make an executive decision and move up the 4th floor, the least occupied in the building.

The decision paid off. As I open the door the motion sensor lights go on. I'm alittle surprised not to hear some robot-esque voice greeting me and welcoming me to my kingdom. At this point my stomach isn't waiting much longer but i still have a decision to make: there are two stalls in the bathroom, one of which is a regular stall and the other is one of those supersized stalls but with a handicapped seat. I never understood why those seats are so far off the ground. I guess so handicaps don't have to pull themselves up so far when they're done their business. I just like them because i can dangle my feet and sing tinkle tinkle little star while I'm sitting on my throne.


Without much hesitation, I pick the bigger stall. Buckle off..zip...sit down...ssss..plop...plop...sss..plop...uh oh...BOOOOOM SHAKALAKA! Oh my, my stubborn stomach is way too spoiled with all that starbucks i've been putting into it. Must not have been happy with D&D. This toilet could probably sue me for intentional infliction of emotional distress after the abuse I just put it through.

At least it was a quick one. Maybe I'll even have time to get some more studying in before class. I reach to start the dreaded wiping process when I'm suddenly struck with an immense amount of fear and apprehension. I've just been thrown into everyone's worst nightmare...there is literally no toilet paper. NOTHING. WHAT DO I DOOO!

After a few minutes of strategizing, interspersed with intense pleading to god, I realize I have two options. One - I can walk out of my stall into stall next to me (on my left). But there's no way I can pull up my pants without solidifying my discomfort for the rest of the day. Two - I can do a military crawl to the other stall.

Uh oh..the time in my study room is up. I guess this blog will have to be a two-parter.