The first party I ran into was at a club in Old City. There was about 8 girls in the group and not one of them was dressed like a normal human being. One looked like she had just gotten back from a face painting convention. Another had a forearm sized light-up bowling pin around her neck (I asked her what it was for and her response was "baaaaaalls". I immediately exited her general area). But the bride-to-be took the cake. She had on some assembly of clothing that resembled a cracked-out homeless ex-stripper from the 80's. All I can say is that it made my eyes burn.
After getting some degrading comments in, we decided it was time to leave and made our way to a bar down the street. We walk in and guess what...thats right, another bachelorette party. Though they were dressed like normal people, I soon realized it was only a disguise. This group made the first party look like Rhodes Scholars. They danced like it was their last night on earth and that Michael Jackson (too soon?) would be meeting them at the pearly gates. At one point one of the girls dropped a martini glass on the floor and it shattered. Without an ounce of shame she threw her clenched fist in the air and screamed "wooooooo". Her friends also joined in on the war cry. It was intense. Mel Gibson would be proud. But me...I was officially scared. These girls had no rules. They lived above the law.
After making my rounds through the bar I spotted the bride. She was right in between the two married girls who were kissy kissy with people I may or may not have been associated with. To my surprise, she seemed to be the most normal of the group. She even had a cute little vail on. I started walking up to congratulate her when i noticed that there were little unidentified objects stuck in her vail. She turned too quickly and i wasn't able to tell what these objects were. So, like the gentleman that i am, I go up to her and say,
"excuse me, I think there is something stuck in your vail".
"hehe, oh you mean these?" She turns around to display her vail.
I choke on my beer. I'm staring at at least 15 little penises hooked on to the one piece of cloth that is suppose to be a symbol of innocence and beauty! What the heck is this. I know her fiance sure as hell didn't approve of this.
"why are you wearing that"
"oh you know. its funny. my friends got it for me"
"your friends sound classy"
The entire time we talked I wondered how much I would pay her bridesmaid to switch the real vail with the penis vail on her wedding day. The in-laws faces would be priceless. Soon after the conversation me and my group of friends left with a new fear and respect for the unpredictable women of marriage. Lucky for us we did not run into any more bachelorette parties. If I ever see one again I will probably do a nice paced jog in the opposite direction.

My concluding remarks:
If what I've seen of bachelorette parties is true, I might have to let my girlfriends set up my bachelor party.
Married men spend a significant amount of time with their homeboys, but typically keep their emotions on the inside. Eventually they will suffer from a serious emotional meltdown, most likely directed at their wife. On the other hand, Married women talk about their emotions on a fairly regular basis, but keep all that "girls night out" energy bottled up. But when they do go out, its a meltdown...and most likely directed at every man except the one she's married to.
I am hiring a private investigator for my fiance's (i love you, whoever you are)bacherolette party. A slideshow of his findings will be shown at the wedding.
you forgot to mention the part about how you made out with the bride to be.
ReplyDeleteDear anonymous reader,
ReplyDeleteWhile I appreciate your desire to be editor-in-chief of my blog, I ask that you first grow some balls, stop failing at life, and refrain from posting anonymously. Hey, we're all friends here...no need for secrecy.