Lost in Textlation

It's happened to us all before. The long, gut-wrenching wait for a respond to a text message. Why is it taking so long? Maybe they are in the bathroom...but that's usually one of my favorite places to text. maybe they put their phone down and forgot about it...but that would be rude right in the middle of a conversation. Or maybe, which is what I was afraid of, something got lost in textlation. That sly remark...a sarcastic comment...or even just an unusual abbreviation...it went over their head and my seemingly witty text made no sense to them. Might have even made them angry

I just don't understand. The list of emoticons are growing each and every week. I mean I think its quite possible in the next hundred years our written language might eventually evolve into a series of smiley faces. Not that I have any issue with the smiley faces, since they do have a strange way of making you feel good inside. But im disappointed there isn't an emoticon or abbreviation for sarcasm. I'm a sarcastic dude a lot of the time...and I feel my sarcasm via text is typically lost somewhere along the journey from my phone, to the tower, to their phone. This has ruined a few potentially good text convos and I'm close to completing eliminating sarcasm from my texting efforts.
Worse than a failed sarcasm is a misunderstood abbreviation. Not only will this end a potentially great convo, but it could lead to a totally awkward and confusing one. Here's an example. A common abbreviation within my group of friends, and i believe others, is "mos def", meaning most definitely. Usually most people will catch on to this, but as the following text convo with an anonymous girl shows, the meaning can sometimes get lost...

Me: Hey there tiger
Girl: Oh heeeey where are you??
Me: Somewhere fun. You should come
Girl: I would but Stacy has already thrown up on three different street corners and i need to get her home. Hang out tomorrow?
Me: Mos def
Girl: Oh what time is the concert?
Me: concert?
Girl: Mos def
Me: the rapper?
Girl: Yea you just said you were seeing him
Me: No I didn't
Girl: umm yes you did :)
Me: Why did you just make a smiley face, that makes no sense. happy puking

Its a shame...I really thought I could enjoy spending some time with this girl. But after this awkward mess of a conversation, I had to delete her number and forget it ever happened.

There is one group of people who never seem to get their messages lost in textlation - parents. Getting texts from my parents stirs up a lot of odd feelings - fear, anxiety, scorn - but the meanings of the messages are never up in the air. They are clear and to the point: "when do u graduate?"..."get a job"..."we like your sister more than you". It's nice having that kind of literal consistency.

In conclusion, I hate the use of "lol". "haha" is where its at.

What to Wear on an Interview - Part II

I almost forget entirely about this little blog series...and that would have been a damn shame. We last left off with an exciting analysis of types of suits and ties to wear on an interview. I can only hope this next segment - shoes and "bling" - will be just as riveting.
They say shoes make the man. While I can’t fully agree with this, they do play an influential role. Here are two important tips to keep in mind when picking out your shoes. First, make sure your shoes and belt are the same color. There are only a few occasions when you can get away with wearing a different color belt, and a job interview is not one of them. Second, wear shoes with laces. I can’t stress this enough. Yes, I know, there are some very dressy looking loafers out there. But lace-ups say “Hey, I go the extra mile with my shoes (no pun intended; no, seriously) and I’ll do the same for your company.”
Now for the icing on the cake. The essential piece of “bling”, to put it in terms of suburban youth culture, is without a doubt a watch. And just a point of information for you music industry majors, I’m referring to analog, not digital. Not like any of you will be going on a legitimate interview anytime soon, but just in case. Back to the point, wearing a watch tells the interviewer that you care about keeping track of time and are cognitive of where you need to be when you need to be there. Not wearing a watch says the exact opposite. And believe me, one of the first things an interviewer does is look for that watch. Your co-op class didn’t teach you that, did it? The type of watch is important as well. Keep it simple. You’re not trying to sail the Atlantic Ocean here, you’re just trying to keep the time and look damn good doing it. I’m personally a fan of anything Movado, but since I have over $100,000 in student loans, I went with the Kenneth Cole Reaction line. Check ‘em out; they are very reasonably priced – www.kennethcole.com.

Deadlines

Bad decisions are all around us. Bernie Madoff and his multi-billion dollar scandal. The Buffalo Bills signing Terrel Owens. The guy I just saw at 7-11 buying a taco taquito instead of a monterrey jack. Just pay attention to the things going on as we walk down the street or drive in our car...hundreds of bad decisions.
But there is a difference between the three examples shared. There is something that harnesses these bad decisions...that allows for the right decision to be made, the second time around. And that is a deadline.

Take the taquito loving freshman from 7-11. His deadline is when he takes the last bite of his fried 750 calorie mid-finals week snack. Once he is finished, he will realize his bad decision and make the correct choice - moterrey jack - the next time he needs to fill his belly with artificially flavored meat and cheese.

Now the Buffalo Bills have a bit of a longer deadline. They signed T.O. to a one-year contract and will have to live with that decision for the duration of the year. They can't just fry him up, stuff him down their throat, and then poop him out like our taquito friend. But, after the year is up, the Bills will have the opportunity to either correct their mistake, by letting T.O. go, or continue with that by signing him to an extended contract and prolonging the bad decision.

Bernie Madoff is a bit different...and will eventually lead to the meat of this blog. Bernie didn't have a deadline for his bad decision. It was a bad decision that could have kept going until the day he died had he not been caught. There was no point in time for him to make him seriously question what he was doing. And thats why deadlines are so important.

As I graduate college, I realize that I, and many of my peers, are crossing one of the last serious deadlines in life. Decisions have to be made with much greater care and thought. In college, there is always the opportunity to start over, after graduation. But in life, such an opportunity does not exist. There's no deadline for getting married. There's no deadline for having kids (besides the abstract biological one). There's no deadline for getting that promotion. That's why decisions hold so much more weight now than they ever did before. You can't graduate life...you can only be enrolled in it.

Rag-o-meter

I knew this would happen eventually. Ryan Lewis hoped it wouldn't. Barack Obama gave speaches about it. What is it? It's a prolonged absence from blogging. It's a very dangerous position to be in. Everyone who regularly checked up on your blog has become tired of being disappointed when they continually see a post from three weeks ago. Now, to get their attention again, you're forced to do something that screams attention-hungry and put something such as "Check out the new blog!" in your facebook status or, god forbid, twitter. Before I make the decision of how to get peoples attentions again and whether its worth my dignity, I think its important to touch on the reasons why my blog-absence occurred. To figure out whether these reasons are legitimate or not, I have come up with a grading system based on how much Ryan would rag on me for each specific excuse - the rag-o-meter. The scale goes from 1-10, with 1 being no ragging whatsoever and with 10 being an all out rag session.

Reason 1 - Midterms. Ryan hates these things more than anyone, but he understands their painful necessity. This gets a 2 on the rag-o-meter. I would say it constituted a solid 25% of the of the reasons I haven't been blogging my little heart out.

Reason 2 - Frat Football. I love these games. Before every match, I listen to rage against the machine and dance in the front of the mirror, displaying my best gridiron face. And anyone who knows me, knows I spend just as much time picking out my field outfit as I do playing the actual game. Ryan does not share my love for the FFL (Frat Football League) so this gets a 7 on the rag-o-meter. And believe me, I've taken my fair share of rags on this topic.

Reason 3 - TV. The good old boob tube would never keep me away from my school work. But at times it has come down to watching TV or posting a blog, and the majority of the time I chose the former. This gets a 5 out of 10 on the Ryan Lewis rag-o-meter, which is basically an average of individual scores for specific shows. For example, I would receive a 10 for watching real world/road rules challenge. I'm a sucker for cheap thrills and saucy drama. On the other hand, I would get a 1 for watching LOST. Hell, I should get a -5 for watching this epic drama. Ryan loves this show so much he even dedicated an entire blog to comparing his friends to LOST characters. And let me just say, I was quite offended I was not in the mix. I think I could make a stellar Charles Witmore or maybe even Benjamin Lionis.

Reason 4 - Work work. In college, I've learned to refer to real life employment as work work. Otherwise, people just assume you are referring to school work and will up their ante when trying to peer pressure you to come out to the bar. Anyway, this gets a 4 on the Ryan Lewis rag-o-meter. I'm too excited to type reason #5 so I won't go into further detail on work work.

Reason 5 - Greek Week. For those "not affiliated", this is a triumphant week of outlandish competitions between greek organizations, at the end of which one fraternity will be crowned victor. If the rag-o-meter extended to infinity, I still don't think that would be enough.

So, those are my reasons for being absent from blogging for such an extended period of time. Now comes my real problem...how do I let the world know the sdyes blog is back up and running?

Lucky for me, I had a stroke of good luck. The rag-o-meter judge himself is coming over as we speak. If anyone can get the word out that a blog is up and running it is ryforry. And I'll be honest, Im pretty sure he's the only one that would read this on the regular anyway.

Stupid Question of the Week

I get annoyed quite easily. Over the years I've learned many a coping strategy so I can live my life as normally as possible, without the consistence desire to slap someone across the face. But there's certain things that are beyond any kind of coping method I've utilized. For example, I had an eye doctor appointment a few days ago which I had scheduled for 4PM, knowing there would be a 15-30 minute window of waiting/pretending to read Eye Care Today magazine. Not only did this eye doctor keep me (ME!!) waiting for 45 minutes, but she then had the audacity to blast obscene amounts of air into my defenseless eyes. This almost pushed me over my daily volume of allotted annoyance. I reached this point again last night when I was asked an offensively dumb question.
I walked out of my fraternity house with my bag full of clean laundry (and before you poke fun of fraternities *cough ryan cough* just relax...it's free and I am extra extra careful to ensure no items of clothing touch the floor). Anyway, a random girl and her redneck guy friend are engaged in a conversation by the bottom of the stairs. As i walk by the girl grabs my arm (big no no right there) and asks "Does your mom still do your laundry".

Does my mom still do my laundry??!??!?! My mouth did not move at all, but i feel like my lowered brow and glaring stare effectively conveyed what I was thinking: You, Ms. Stupid Question Asking Drunk Girl, are lucky that both my hands are in use right now. First of all, my mom hasn't done my laundry since middle school. And I am very proud of that!!! Second of all, I just walked out of a fraternity house. And that is no place for mothers! I hope you enjoy the rest of your stupid question asking existence. And you, Mr. Jean short wearing stupid question asking accomplice...well, you just have excellent taste in women don't you. Hick

Moral of the story: The world would be a much better place if people were born with a stupid question censor.

PS - I would never hit a woman....unless she use to be a man.

Making the Most of a Rainy Day

Today is a rainy day. Typically, this would piss me off and make me feel like a bitter old man who's rocking chair got stuck on a pebble. Oddly enough, I am feeling fairly optimistic about the crappy weather - due probably to the absolutely beautiful weekend we just had and the even better forecast for the upcoming weekend. That being said, I have come up with a list of things that would make rainy days a more tolerable experience. Hopefully some, if not all of these items will be available to our children when they reach the age of weather knowledge


(This also brings up the question of when is the age when kids are able to acknowledge a difference in the weather. Is it innate or is it learned? If a kids parents had some weird enjoyment of nasty weather would their kids have it too? Or if a certain culture worshiped the god of rain would everyone look forward to it? My assumption is that it's a little bit of both and that "weather knowledge" probably happens sometime between an infant's first step and their first word - which in my child's case will undoubtedly be "dada".) But enough of that, here's a few things which would help everyone turn those frowns upside down during rainy days.


Allotted Rain Days - It might just be me, but the majority of the time, I'd much rather go into work if I was sick and it was nice out than if I was perfectly healthy but it was raining out. Therefore, I think employers should allot a certain number of "rain days", allowing employees to work from home if the weather is crappy. By decreasing the amount of time employees spend feeling miserable in the office, you can totally increase company morale! The only problem with taking a "rain day" is that it is in direct opposition to my other proposed day off - "80 degrees and Sunny Days"


Slip n' Slide Sidewalks - Just imagine the most serious person you know cruising down the sidewalk via slip n'slide, waiving as they pass by. If that doesn't put a smile on your face I don't know what will. I think people would stop taking themselves (and everyone else) so seriously if Slip n' Slides were more widely used - especially on rainy days.


Flavored Rain - If we can build skyscapers and atomic bombs, why the hell can't we make the rain flavored. I for one would be much less depressed about the rain if I knew I could lay some empty water bottles outside and stock up on a tasty beverage. Sure...it might get a little sticky icky icky, but a little stick never hurt anyone. To be frank, I'm fairly sure the technology to make flavored rain exists, but companies like Glaceau (Vitamin Water) and Gatorade have paid millions to keep it silent.


Goggles - If these tight fitting, protective spectacles ever find a place in modern day fashion, I hope it is during rainy days. It would give people a reason to look forward to going out during a shower - "Oh, its a gonna pour today?...Great, I've been looking for an opportunity to sport my Gucci Goggles". I might be a bit biased though. My 7th grade role model, Seth Green, flawlessly pulled off the goggle look in the movie Can't Hardly Wait. I've been secretly praying they make a comeback (both Seth Green and goggle wearing) every since.


Waterproof Matches - This would just be cool. And it would give me even more of a reason to laugh at the physic majors...except Samantha, she's such a cutie pie.

And there it is. A few simple things that could better the lives of our children during rainy days. And its all about the children.


I will end this blog with a semi-relative quote from jazz icon Billie Holiday:

"Don't threaten me with love, baby. Let's just go walking in the rain"

What to Wear on an Interview

So I just went to a career fair hosted by Drexel University. Besides walking away with a new aresenal of clicky pens, I didn't get much out of it. But what truly baffled me was the inability of the fairs attendees to properly dress themselves for such an event. From loose tie knots to wide-striped gangsta suits to wrinkles shirts and coats, it seemed like I was at a northern pa community college career fair. Offended and embarrassed, I have decided to start a blog series on what to wear, and more importantly, what not to wear, on a job interview. My hopes are that someday some poor soul from that job fair will see this and have his life drastically changed. So, my fashionably challenged job seeker, this blog is for you!
First and foremost, wear a suit. This seems like common sense, but you'd be surprised how many people think khakis and a blazer constitutes a suit. I saw one too many kids like this at the fair.
Now, what kind of suit to wear, you ask? Good question. Let’s start with what to avoid. Pinstripes. Unless you plan on lighting up a stogie with your interviewer and chit chatting about the latest episode of Growing up Gotti (is that show still on?), stay away from the wide pinstripes. But if you insist on the verticals, make sure they’re only noticeable from 10 feet away or less. Those 10 feet are the threshold between confidence and cocky. The safe bets, in the business world, are plain black or navy suits – both timeless classics. You can’t go wrong with these. But I’d recommend either a grey or a charcoal color suit, both of which are expected to be big players in offices across the northeast this fall (according to the bible..er GQ). Combined with a light blue dress shirt and a dark red tie, you’ll be looking quite qualified. The Men’s Wearhouse in center city has some decently priced suits (just avoid the tailor with the khaki suspenders; he tried to put that measuring tape in places that did not need measuring).
Next, we have the tie. Put one on. A suit without a tie is like Andre 3000 without Big Boi, Angelina without Brad, the Eagles without B-Dawk – oh wait. The only time period friendly to foregoing the tie was the late 1980s, thanks to the hit TV series Miami Vice. Judging from the measly $15 million the remake made in 2006, I think it’s safe to say ties are presently a must. For an interview, keep the tie somewhat simple. Anything too crazy and the interviewer is going to think you’re making up for something else. In terms of the knot, I’d recommend the half Windsor. A skinny knot has no place in an interview room and a fat, thick knot says you think you’re the one in charge. Yes, we all are impressed with Ari Gold’s signature double Windsor knot, but you’re not Vinny Chase’s agent and you sure as hell can’t come up with those tantalizingly witty one-liners. For those that have issues with hand-eye coordination, or if you are just one of those kids that still needs his roommate to tie his tie, here’s a step to step guide for the half Windsor - http://www.tie-a-tie.net/halfwindsor.html.
So we've just covered the two essentials to the interview attire, the suit and the tie. Keep an eye out for the next blog in this series - shoes.